Author vs. Snape
by Katarina Freeman
Summary: The story is basically what the title says... an author appears with her magic wand/pencil and tries to get Snape embaressed. Dedicated to those people who write funny stories about Snape so I can stay up until the wee hours of the night giggling.


Author's notes: This is written as a tribute/responce to all those great "what if something funny happened to Snape" stories out there. You know, what if he were nice, what if he swallowed some giggling potion, what if he were humiliated in front of the whole school... that sort of thing. I love reading those stories; they're like dessert for me. So keep writing them!  
  
And don't mind Ginny, she's just there so I can hide my little story-camera behind her. (she is, after all, The Writer ::wink::).  
  
Oh, and you know the disclaimer drill. All this stuff belongs to J.K. Rowling ::chants like in "The King and I":: Etcetera etcetera etcetera... (I also do not own the King and I, characters from it, or anything like that... they belong to an author and a bunch of movie companies)  
  
  
  
It was a rainy day, but Ginny was grinning. Care of Magical Creatures had been fantastic. Hagrid had grudingly put aside the lesson on Bugbears ("they've bin sheddin, so they're not in the best o' moods... better leave em till thursday," he'd said while trying to hide the large bandage on his arm) and had instead shown them a litter of orphaned Sphynx kittens he was temporarliy caring for.  
  
She went up to the Gryffindor tower with the rest of the fourth years, running to her dorm to exchange Hagrid's books and gloves with the materials she needed for Charms. She was turning to leave when the corner of her robe caught on something. There was a loud crash from behind her, and she turned, grimacing, to see what had fallen.  
  
On the floor lay her pewter cauldron. She picked it up to make sure it wasn't dented, and stood it back up on the chest at the end of her bed. But something caught her eye... inside the cauldron was a dribble of fluid. They had been working on a spontaneity potion earlier that day in class, and Professor Snape had warned them all to be very careful with it. Ginny reached down to wipe it off with her sleeve - a spontaneous sleeve would be much less dangerous than a spontaneous cauldron, she reasoned as she ran back down the steps.  
  
She was wrong. Her sleeve kept catching on things, and trying to crawl its way up her arm. Halfway through Charms, it had jerked her arm downward suddenly, messing up her wand movement as they practiced minor animation. It took a good fifteen minutes before they could calm Professor Flitwick's stool down and return it to its inanimate state.  
  
After that, Ginny resolved to do something about her sleeve. She headed for the hospitol ward, but realized Madam Pomfrey dealt with living things, not clothing (though her sleeve seemed quite living as it tried to tickle her wrist). But she had to get something done about it... she would go see Professor Snape, that's what she would do. She marched toward the dungeons with a sickening feeling in her stomach. Would Snape be teaching? She weighed the odds and decided it didn't matter. If he was teaching, she would probably lose points for interrupting class. If he wasn't, she would probably lose points for interrupting his solitude. But she wanted to get something done about that darn sleeve.  
  
As she approached the dark classroom, she could hear the professor's low voice speaking to his students with its usual melancholy nastiness. As she walked down the stairs she nearly tripped over the lump of a person sitting just outside the classroom.  
  
"Mmf- ow! Who's there?" the body inquired. Ginny stepped back.  
  
"I'm... I'm sorry, I need to see Professor Snape about my sleeve..." Ginny trailed off. The person she was talking to was not a Hogwarts student. In fact she didn't look anything like a wizard at all [a/n: Trust me, this is NOT a Mary Sue story! I am nothing like this author!]. She had on blue jeans and a t-shirt with some muggle logo on it. She looked up at Ginny, waiting for her to finish.  
  
"Who are you?" Ginny asked.  
  
"Me? I'm an author. Dark in here, eh?" the girl stood and made a motion with her wand, which created an ambient light in the stairwell. Ginny noted that the wand looked surprisingly like a pencil.  
  
"What are you doing here?" Ginny said nervously. "You're not a student."  
  
The author inspected Ginny, and her face lit up. "You must be Ginny Weasley!" the girl exclaimed, then covered her mouth. Professor Snape's lecture broke, and there was a short silence. Had he heard? But the lecture went on, and the author turned to Ginny.  
  
"I'm not a student, no. Wish I was..." the girl sighed. "But I'm here because I've always wanted to see someting happen to Snape. You know, he always seems to get away with everything, taking points off all the houses but his own, being an all around nasty fellow... but you know how it is better than I do, you're a student here."  
  
Ginny felt utterly bewildered.  
  
"Well, I plan on using the power of the word to make Snape smile," the girl said, ignoring the look of confusion on Ginny's face. "...or at least get embaressed. It should be easy enough. Once he's smiled and laughed and made a fool of himself, I'll leave... this is supposed to be a short fic anyway."  
  
"A short what?" Ginny stuttered.  
  
"Fiction. Never mind, it would take too long to explain. But here, you can come watch."  
  
The girl crept over to the door, which was opened a crack. She leaned over to Ginny and whispered, "How about a cheering potion gets spilled in his drink? That's a classic."  
  
The girl waved her pencil, and one of the bottles on the shelf behind Snape's desk hovered from its place. Snape, who was now writing at his desk as the rest of the class worked on their potions, didn't seem to take any notice as the potion uncorked itself and quietly dribbled into the goblet.  
  
Ginny watched with amusement and fear as the bottle hurried back to its place on the shelf and Snape reached for the goblet.  
  
"30 points," Snape said, not looking up from his writing. "From Gryffindor."  
  
"What?" one of the Gryffindor students cried. Ginny could see the author go pink with recognition as Ron Weasley stood from his seat. "What for?" he asked.  
  
Snape looked up, pushing his goblet away. "For the student who tried to spike my drink," he said to Ron, though staring suspiciously at another student with messy black hair.  
  
"That's... Harry Potter?" the author whispered, hands at her mouth. She had the look Ginny had so often seen on Colin Creevy's face, and she debated grabbing the girl to keep her from rushing in and asking for an autograph.  
  
But the author frowned. "That wasn't supposed to happen. Snape was supposed to drink the potion... oh well, he probably won't be drinking from his goblet again." The girl bit her lip in thought. "Ginny, what potion are they working on in there?"  
  
"Spontaniety, I imagine," Ginny said distractedly as she held her wriggling sleeve with one hand.  
  
"Perfect!" the author said and waved her pencil at a round-faced boy sitting by Snape's desk. Ginny gasped as Neville's cauldron flipped over and the potion flew at the professor. But he pulled his wand out and cast a spell which caused the potion to splash against an invisible barrier and onto his desk. The goblet filled with spiked water was now trying desperately to spill, against the will of an ink bottle which threw itself in the way each time.  
  
"Longbottom!" Professor Snape bellowed at the cowering student. "10 points from Gryffindor! And I expect you to stay behind after class and clean this up."  
  
"Huh!" the author retorted, a little too loudly for Ginny's liking. "So much for that."  
  
"You're losing points for Gryffindor," Ginny whispered anxiously.  
  
"Yes yes," the author waved her hand distractedly. "Like I said, it's a short fic, so it doesn't matter. Now, what would work... ah HA! Blackmail!"  
  
Before Ginny could stop her, the author waved her pencil yet again and a snapshot appeared in her hand. Ginny squinted to see the picture, which was slowly developing. On it she could just barely see Snape and-  
  
"Oh gosh," Ginny said, looking away in disgust. The author grinned wickedly.  
  
"Harry can blackmail him with this; Snape'll have to be nice to him. Maybe he'll even make him do some embarrassing things to keep this picture out of the wrong hands!"  
  
"But Snape never did..." she pointed at the picture. "...that!" As much as Ginny hated the professor, he didn't deserve this. Ginny grabbed for the picture, but the girl sent it off with her pencil towards Harry's desk.  
  
Snape, however, chose just that moment to look up from disenchanting the dancing goblet. His eye caught the picture floating across the room. With a deadpan voice he said, "Accio picture," and it raced for his hand.  
  
The class looked up to see what their teacher was doing now, only to find him in mortal shock. His eyes widened, then narrowed and scanned the room.  
  
"It seems," he said icily, "That someone is set on ruining my day."  
  
Through the crack of the door, the two girls saw Snape look at them. Directly at them. They both pulled away, holding their breaths. If he had seen...  
  
Footsteps approached, and the door opened. Professor Snape stared down at the two of them trying to hide in the shadows.  
  
"What are you doing by my classroom?" he asked.  
  
Even the author shrunk back under the cold power of the potions master. Ginny gathered her wits and stuck out her arm.  
  
"I got some spontaneity potion on my sleeve. It was leftover from class this morning."  
  
But Snape had his eyes on the author. "Who are you?" he demanded.  
  
"I'm... I'm..." the girl stuttered, but couldn't seem to get her name out. Her cheeks were turning bright red. "I'm an author," she said at last.  
  
"An author?" Snape raised an eyebrow. "What is that supposed to mean?"  
  
"I'm here to... to make you smile?" she said weakly.  
  
"Miss Weasley," Snape said, turning to the red haired fourth year, "I hope you know muggles are not allowed, and trouble makers not appreciated-"  
  
"But I guess you're just too cool for that," the author said, getting up and dusting herself off. "I mean, you remain the calm greasy nasty guy for all four books..." her shoulders slumped. "I don't see why you'd suffer embaressment just because I decided to write a little fic." After a long sigh she continued, "I guess I should be leaving now. Ginny didn't help me in any way... she shouldn't get into trouble. She just ran across me on her way to see you."  
  
Ginny found Snape looking at her, and she nodded quickly. When she looked back at the author, she saw the pencil waving at Snape, but the girl quickly pulled it back to her side and made an urgent "shush" sign. Easy for her to say, she didn't have to take classes with the potions master all year.  
  
The author smiled nervously when Professor Snape turned to her again. "I guess I should be leaving now, huh?" she said. The end of her pencil swelled until the erasor was as big as a cauldron, and the girl erased herself with one long swipe.  
  
"Ah!" Ginny said as her sleeve tickled her wrist again. The professor turned to her.  
  
"Miss Weasley-"  
  
Behind Snape, there was a roar of laughter from the class. Ginny and Snape turned quickly to see what it was about. Several fifth years were trying desperately to hide their snickers, many failing miserably.  
  
"Well then!" Professor Snape said, "I can assure you all I'll have that 'author' matter looked into... after class. Until then, Miss Weasley, come with me..."  
  
Snape turned to walk to his desk, and Ginny froze. Her cheeks started to burn bright pink as she tried to hide her laughter.  
  
Snape's cloak was _not_ billowing. In fact it fell rather short, as there was a gaping hole in it. Underneath that, his black pants also had a hole, revealing white boxers with red winged hearts on them.  
  
Ginny followed him, face twisted from trying not to laugh. She all but lost it when she heard the author's voice whisper in her ear: "Mission accomplished."  



End file.
